My Blog = My Life: family life

Like it or not, there will be times in our lives when apologies are necessary to bring restoration to a relationship we have strained. The key to a clean slate goes far beyond a simple "I'm sorry." Even a child understands that a quick muttering of the phrase can spare the consequent discipline.

Which of us hasn't received (or worse, given) an apology that was less than heartfelt? How often don't we try to retain our "honor" by minimizing the degree to which we hurt a person? Have you ever gotten the feeling that the offender isn't really sorry for what they did? That they're just using the word "sorry" in a sentence to get rid of their guilt? Can you catch it in each of these common apologies?

• I'm sorry if I was wrong.
• I'm sorry. I really wasn't trying to hurt you.
• I'm sorry, but you were wrong too.
• I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were so sensitive about that.

Every once in a while you get really stretched as a blogger, and it's a good thing. Like this past week, for example, when a dear reader wrote me a letter that nearly broke my heart.

A homeschooling mother of six who loves the role God has given her, she finds herself between a rock and a hard place. Illness has left her husband unable to provide financially for his family and with unsupportive relatives and a church that scoffs at their decision to leave their fertility in the hands of the Lord, they are struggling not just to pay the bills, but to keep the mouths of their hungry children fed.

This dear mother shares the convictions I expressed in The Cost of Being A Stay-at-Home Mom and would love nothing more than to raise her children in the way she believes God calls her too. However, after waiting on the Lord for his direction, they see no other alternative than for her to work outside the home in order to provide basic necessities like food and clothing for their family.

Their desire is to live for Christ in every area of their lives; she wrote me wondering how the possibility of her being employed outside the home jives with Scripture.

A few questions that would help shape my answer include:

• How permanent is your husband's condition?
• Is your husband able to home school your children?
• Can you work from home (Proverbs 31)?
• Is there a church in the area that takes God's institution of the diaconate more seriously than the one you attend now?
• Is there any possibility of moving to a cheaper home, city, or state?
• How old are your children? Are they able to contribute at all to the family income or engage in a family business?
• You said you don't have any support from your relatives; is there a close friend or an older mentor who would be willing to help out with a loan (Leviticus 25:35-37)?
• It sounds like you've already cut every corner you can think of, but just in case, is there any way you can live on less? One vehicle instead of two? Sell unused toys and clothes on consignment? Hang your laundry on the line instead of using the dryer, etc.?

The story of Deborah in the book of Judges is one such example. Contrary to popular opinion, Deborah's leadership role as a prophetess is not an excuse or a reason for women of our day to do the same. There is no question she performed her job well or that God blessed it and ultimately used Deborah's actions to bring men back into leadership. But it was to Israel's great shame that God had to raise up a woman to support the men and warn them of their cowardice.
When God puts a godly person in a position where they are forced to act in a way that seemingly contradicts the rest of Scripture, someone else must always bear the punishment, guilt, fault, or shame (i.e. Hosea). In Deborah's case, it was the wimpy Israelite men of whom there was not found one with the courage to take the responsibility and lead.

In the case of the dear mother who wrote me earlier this week, I believe the shame lies with her unsupportive relatives and church. She is being forced outside of the home because her family and church have forsaken their biblical responsibilities (1 Timothy 5:8; 16; Leviticus 25:35-37; Proverbs 19:17; Psalm 112:5).

God instituted the diaconate so that the needs of the poor, of whom He said would always be with us (Mark 14:7), would be met. I never like suggesting that a family leave a church but if they are not cared for to such a degree that a mother of six children must leave her sacred responsibilities to keep her family from going hungry, it may be time to find a body of believers that recognize the importance of a mother's influence in the home and will joyfully make the sacrifices necessary so it can happen (James 1:27).

Unless her husband's condition improves and he is able once again to "bring home the bacon," or her church and family step up to the plate and in biblical love take care of those among them who are hurting, I believe this dear lady is not at all acting inappropriately in a situation that is less than ideal.

We serve a big God. Just as He was able to bless Deborah's efforts and restore Israel, so He can bless this mother, her husband, and children far above what we could even ask or think (Ephesians 3:20,21) during her temporary time of outside employment.

Linking to: Time-Warp Wife, Far Above Rubies, Raising Homemakers, Deep Roots At Home, Wise Woman, Raising Arrows, Raising Mighty Arrows, Hearts for Home, The Better Mom, A Mama's Story

... continued from yesterday. Read Part 1 here.
Currently, we're teaching our 2-year-old to memorize the Proverbs. Proverbs for Parenting | A Topical Guide for Child Raising From The Book of Proverbs compiled by Barbara Decker has proved to be a handy tool as each of the proverbs are organized into their respective categories.

If Charity is having a particularly difficult week with anger and temper-tantrums, we can flip to the anger section and choose a few verses from there to work on. If she's habitually stalling when we ask her to do something, we'll turn to the chapter on obedience. If she's having a hard time finding something nice to say to her brother, we'll memorize a verse on kindness.

There's nothing difficult or scientific about our method for memorization. For the most part, it's a simple process of "repeat after me." This past week, we memorized Proverbs 16:6: "By mercy and truth, iniquity is purged: and by the fear of the Lord, men depart from evil."
1. First, I'll read the verse through and explain any words she might not understand: iniquity, purged, depart.
2. Then I'll say the first phrase and ask her to repeat it back to me. I do this several times over with each section of the verse. That way, it gets ingrained in my memory as well as hers!
Mommy: "By mercy and truth... "
Charity: "By mercy and truth... "
Mommy: "Iniquity is purged... "
Charity: "Iniquity is purged... "
3. Once I think she's familiar with the phrases, we start combining them, two at a time:
Mommy: "By mercy and truth, iniquity is purged... "
Charity: "By mercy and truth, iniquity is purged... "
Mommy: "..and by the fear of the Lord, men depart from evil."
Charity: "... and by the fear of the Lord, men depart from evil."
4. Next, I leave out key words, and give her the opportunity to fill them in:
"By ________ and _______, _________ is ________: and _____ the _________ of the _______, men __________ from ______. Proverbs ____ : ____."
5. Once she's done the above a few time, we're down to just a few prompts until she can say it on her own:
"By _____________, iniqu... _______________; and ________________, men ____________________. _________ ___ : ___."
The whole process takes less than 15 minutes. I'll randomly review the verse with her several times throughout each day of the week until she can rattle it off and we move onto the next one. A few other things we've found helpful to aid in Scripture memorization are:

• Music. We sing a Psalm from our Church's Psalter with her before bed time. It's so fun when she picks it up and is able to sing along with us or recognizes it in a Church service!
• Regular Review. We try not to forget about a verse once we've moved on to a new one. To keep it fresh in her memory, we'll say the first word of a verse she knows when we're in the car or at dinner, and she'll finish the rest.
• Consistency. I find this to be the hardest part of all, especially if my morning is rushed by a tight schedule. However, if Charity's kept in the memorizing mode, it becomes easier for her to catch on. Once she recognizes it as part of our daily routine, she becomes the one who reminds me: "Mommy? Can we do the 'merry heart is good like medicine' one?"

It's a well known fact that a child's ability to remember things is second to none. The capacity to soak up their influences is the motivating factor behind our government's resolve to get them into the classroom at an increasingly young age. Once they're out from underneath their parent's control, the state has a no-holds-barred approach to indoctrinating our children with immorality and socialistic propaganda. This explains why the 4-year-olds in our province are going to school and being taught to question their gender, and why books like Heather has Two Mommies is perfectly acceptable story-time material.

It wouldn't be so bad if it was truth and righteousness our government was so concerned about instilling into our children. But then, if it was really God's Word the government looked to as their moral compass, they probably wouldn't be so quick to snatch the future of the nation away from their parents as soon as possible. Proverbs 22:6 was written to Dads and Moms; it is our duty to train up our children in the way that they should go, not the state's.

This reason, coupled with the desire to see our children's salvation and a life-time of blessing from the Lord, ought to make Scripture memorization and biblical instruction fundamental to the everyday life of a Christian family (Psalm 119: 9-11; Deuteronomy 6: 6,7; 1 Peter 3:15). If our children learn to abide by God's principles and commandments concerning marriage, economics, and life in general, they will become the leaders in a society that is craving for morality, prosperity, and stability.

What we think are the basics of life (i.e. arriving to a job on time and sober) are becoming extinct in a culture that's lost its way. This give a distinct advantage to the child who has learned to abide by God's formula for a happy and peaceful life:

"Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor stand in the path of sinners, nor sits in the seat of the scornful, but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and in his law he meditates, day and night." Psalm 1:1,2"He who heeds the Word wisely will find good, and whoever trusts in the Lord, happy is he." Proverbs 16:20"... His divine power has given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who has called us by glory and virtue, by which have been given to us exceedingly great and precious promises, that through these you may be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust." 2 Peter 1: 3,4If we want to give our children a good life, we must give them God's Word. It is the key to salvation and the pattern for success. No amount of toys, allowance money, clothes, or candy can produce righteousness or an outstanding member of society. We cannot save our children; that is an act of God's grace alone. But we can hide God's Word in their hearts and take comfort in knowing that it will never return to Him void (Isaiah 55:11).

Our 4-year-old daughter has no qualms about being feminine. She does her school in her princess dress, loves stories about princesses, hates wearing pants, wants to get married (to Daddy), diapers and clothes her stuffed dog multiple times a day, and believes green and blue are colors that should be reserved for boys.

Being girly is just so... so natural to girls (most of 'em)! Little girl, who aren't old enough to understand or conform to the most degrading and dehumanizing aspect of our culture: feminism.
I wish there was a way I could preserve my daughter's natural inclination to girly things. How can I raise her to be feminine in a feminist culture? A times, the challenge overwhelms me.
Society, at large, stifles biblical womanhood.. Girls get told it's a "waste of intelligence" to stay at home and raise children. Motherhood is a "mindless" routine that consists of changing diapers and being shackled to the stove. We know it's not a waste of time, but defending our decision seems like a losing battle. After all, there are a lot more of "them" than there are of "us."
In the end, it comes down to who gets to define the terms: neither you nor I. God alone, the Creator of women, wields that kind of authority, and He hasn't left it up to us to play the guessing game with our role or how we should act.

His Word is filled with meaning, instruction, and examples of mothers, wives, daughters, grandmothers, saints, sinners, lovers, nurturers, teachers, peacemakers, artists, and so much more. All we need to know about what makes for blessed society is right at our finger tips.

Still, we somehow believe our culture's vision for "liberating women" is better than the One who created women and came to set them free from their self-induced bondage.

Somehow we find ourselves in an identity crisis that our Bible-believing foremothers did not seem to have.

Somehow our "liberation" in the 21st century has bound us to a cubicle of tormenting doubts about what we are doing as women.
Somehow filing a stack of paperwork in an office is more important than sorting laundry.

Somehow drawing up a spreadsheet requires more creativity than artfully decorating your home.

Somehow teaching 30 kids to read takes more preparation than instructing three children how to live.

Somehow it requires sheer brilliance to manage employees in the corporate office while raising our children to be intelligent, honorable citizens is a demoted to a brainless job.

Somehow, if you get paid for doing one of the thousand jobs a mother does in a day, you can call yourself an expert.
We buckle under the pressure and bashfully admit, "Oh, I'm just a stay-at-home Mom."

We attempt to justify our choice by rambling on about all the other things we do with our "spare time" as though being a mother isn't a real job. "Well, I'm a chef, baker, time management expert, teacher, personal shopper, repairman, financial adviser, writer, etc."

It's time to stop apologizing.
Whether we find life as a woman to be stifling or liberating is ultimately our choice. The paradox of Scripture is that submission brings the greatest freedom and that death brings life. Only when we die to ourselves, our dreams, and our desires, will we find vitality and freedom in pursuing the high calling of biblical womanhood with joy, intelligence, and purpose.

If we get this, if our daughters get this, we can begin fostering femininity back into our feminist world.

The idea that a mother's place is in the home is no longer a popular one - not even within the Church. That said, most God-fearing mothers who choose a career over staying at home are not necessarily motivated by selfish desires, but by a culture which seems to leave them with no choice. It just doesn't make sense when an extra income would surely be more beneficial for their children in the long run... wouldn't it?

Scene #1: Perhaps a couple recognizes their young children are extraordinarily gifted and bright. University is certainly within their future. The parents want to give each of them the gift of a good, post-secondary education but know that's not possible on the husband's income alone. So Mom searches through the Yellow Pages and begins working from 8am-4pm - for the good of her children.Scene #2: Or maybe, as was the case with one of my grandmothers, a mother grew up in a very poor family and was never able to enjoy the kind of material wealth that seemed common place for everyone else. She doesn't want her children to know the pain of doing without and so works hard to bring in a paycheck that will cover trendy clothes, restaurant meals, and the latest technological gadgets that all the other kids on the block seem to have.Scene #3: Perhaps it's the cost of Christian schooling that forces a mother to work outside the home. It breaks her heart to drop her 10-month-old off at her sister-in-law's each morning, but she quickly reminds herself that the value of a Christian education is worth the temporary sacrifice.
The mother in each one of these examples has made her decision, perhaps with the support of her husband, based on "common sense." To the human mind, (especially the one that has been affected by years of feminism, liberal rhetoric, and publicly funded Marxism) it's perfectly logical to submit ourselves to "expert" opinion and abandon our kids while they're young in order to give them what they really need when they are older.

However, one very important detail is missing from each of these scenarios. Did you catch it?

A mother and father may arrive at the decision for her to work outside the home together after much consideration. Perhaps they even commit Mom's new job to the Lord in prayer. Maybe the children are made aware of the new changes and everyone agrees that this is what is best for their family. But through all the deliberations, the Bible remains on the shelf, and no one stops to ask, "What would God want Mom to do?"
"'The Lord told me,' is no substitute for 'the Bible says.'" - Voddie BauchamI am not suggesting that no woman can ever have a career, that parents shouldn't send their child to university or pay for their tuition (that's a topic for another day), give them good gifts, make every effort to provide them with a Christian education, or that a mother can't supplement the family income (if I believed that, I wouldn't have this blog or have written my two eBooks, How To Design Your Own Blog and How To Grow Your Blog And Manage Your Home).

I'm asking you, dear mother, to examine where God considers your presence most important. There are several parental responsibilities required of us that are difficult or impossible to perform if we are physically away from our children:

• Availability - morning, noon, and night (Deuteronomy 6:7)
• Training (Proverbs 22:6)
• Discipline (Proverbs 29:15-17)
• Teaching the Scriptures (Deuteronomy 4:10)
• Nurturing (Titus 2:4)

• Does my absence mean someone else will care for my children?

• How long will they be under another's care each day?

• Is this the person I want to raise and influence my child in my place?

• How many surrogate mothers will be involved over the years?

• What impact will that have?

• Does my job sap my energies so that I am tired and pressured and unable to give them quality time?

• Are my creativity, my wit, and my best efforts spent outside my family?

• Do they get only the leftovers?

The biblical solution involves a radical reform in our thinking. Christians must operate on the premise that pure and undefiled religion requires individual benevolence towards widows (James 1:27), families must take responsibility and look after their own (1 Timothy 5:8, 16), and the local church (whose diaconal ministry would be well funded if we tithed more than 2%) is called to care for those who are truly widows (1 Timothy 5: 3-16).

Mom, your job is so eternally important, that God ensured there would be a way for you to minister through full-time motherhood. The right thing to do is not often the easiest thing to do. Staying at home to raise your children will cost you. It may require painful sacrifices, tighter budgets, and perhaps even swallowing our pride enough to accept the aid available to us. But I believe it can be done and that the reward you receive will be eternally worth it.

If financial concerns are keeping you back from staying home with your children, here are some articles and books to help and encourage you.
Articles

• Saving Money In Your Baby's First Year
• Income-Earning Ideas
• We Couldn't Afford Children - Glad We Didn't Have To
• You CAN Stay Home - Earning Money From Home

• Money Saving Mom by Crystal Paine
• Family Feasts for $75 a Week by Mary Ostyn
• America's Cheapest Family by Annette Economides
• Large Family Logistics by Kim Brenneman