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How To Be Perfectly Miserable Mother

I wish I could say I wasn't writing from experience, but I can't. This post serves as a painful reminder about the pride in my own life that needs to be put to death. Praise God for providing redemption through Jesus Christ!

1. Make sure people know that you are a well-informed person. Scroll through your Facebook feed looking for links to articles you disagree with (vaccines, education, birth control, home births, and diets are great topics). Never miss an opportunity to correct the person who shared it. Emphasize your point by sharing an article on your own feed that supports your point of view. Be sure the article is better written, and contains more resources from qualified professionals.

2. Believe you have all the answers. Don't ask for advice from anybody. If someone shares a differing perspective, assume it's because they aren't as knowledgeable about the topic as you are. Smile, and as humbly as you can, tell them you'll take their view into consideration. Then roll your eyes and laugh at their suggestion when you're by yourself or with someone else who thinks exactly like you.

3. Perfect your fault-finding abilities. It's easier to focus on people's flaws in order make yourself look better without actually having to become a better person. If you're feeling bad about your weight, visit the mall and stare at all the people who are much bigger than you. If your kids are misbehaving, taking them to a place (such as the library or Wal-mart) where you know there will be children who act worse than yours. Pat yourself on the back for your excellent parenting skills.

4. Pretend to be the Holy Spirit. When someone in a prominent position falls into a public sin, humbly suggest that it must be because they thought too much of themselves were not walking closely with the Lord (as you do, of course, but there's no need to mention that part). Jump to conclusions and interpret motives. Presume who is saved and who is not. You can know for sure by whether or not they share your convictions and lead a lifestyle that looks just like yours.

5. Don't make mistakes. You don't want anyone thinking you're just an average human being. Never skip a day of homeschooling. You don't want your child to get behind and prove you're a failure as a homeschool mom. Don't ever order pizza, buy bread, or let your children have anything that contains sugar. Moms who truly care about their families wouldn't dream of feeding that kind of junk to their kids. Keep your house clean no matter how many children you have, so no one will think you're a poor homemaker if they visit unexpectedly visit. Yell at the kids to get crackin' if you need to.

6. Don't ask for help. You are super woman! If you happen to get behind on laundry, stay up late to get the job done. Drink lots of coffee if you need to. Run yourself ragged, but don't ask for help because you're too good for that.

7. Only serve in public positions. None of this behind-the-scenes kind of stuff where nobody notices just how much you do for other people. Try to get on the committees at church, in your homeschool group, or help organize major events. Get involved in places where you get to wear a badge or your name will appear in print. Don't worry if it requires being away from your family for extended periods of time. Nobody notices the work you do there anyway.

8. Try to stay updated on other people's successes. That way you can one-up them. If their child starts taking piano lessons, sign yours up for cello. If they take a one-week vacation to another state, take a two-week vacation to another country. If they can twenty quarts of applesauce in one day, let them know that it was tough work but somehow you managed to get thirty-six jars done. If their blog gains new followers, stalk their page so you know exactly how many people you have to recruit to stay a comfortable number ahead.

9. Cover-up. Outward appearances are all people care about anyway. Carry your Bible to Church. Try to keep it in a place where people notice it (i.e. in your arm, not in your purse). Scuff it up a little so it looks well used. Wear plenty of make-up and trendy clothes so no one confuses you with the frumpy homeschoolers that seem to ruin it for everyone else. Leave challenging books like A Christian's Reasonable Service by Wilhelmus a Brakel, Teaching The Trivium by Harvey and Laurie Bluedorn, and At the Mercy of Tiberius by Augusta Jane Evans lying around when company is expected. They will make you look smart even if you've never actually read them. Memorize the back cover, in case anyone asks.

10. Place any guilt where it belongs: on someone else. It's your husband's fault supper is cold; he should've come home from work on time; it's the curriculum's fault your child just isn't "getting it,"; it's that other mother's lack of discipline with her own children when your son learns some choice words after hanging out with his peers; it's your kids fault your house is always messy; it's the church's lack of a Titus 2 ministry that leaves you without a mentor. Blame anyone but yourself. You don't need that kind of negativity.

11. Forget that it is by grace that you are saved, and not by your own works (Ephesians 2:8,9). Assume there's some sort of catch to the word "gift" when God says, "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 6: 23). Build your own house; believe your labor is not in vain (Psalm 127). Doubt Jesus' sincerity when He invites you to cast all your anxieties on Him because He cares for you (1 Peter 5:7). Don't put too much stock into spending time with Him when you could be busy with more important things (Luke 40:11). You can do everything in your own strength (Philippians 4:13). Search for happiness outside of Jehovah (Psalm 144:15).

I am evil, born in sin; Thou desirest truth within. Thou alone my Saviour art, Teach Thy wisdom to my heart; Make me pure, Thy grace bestow, Wash me whiter than the snow.
Broken, humbled to the dust By Thy wrath and judgment just, Let my contrite heart rejoice And in gladness hear Thy voice; From my sins O hide Thy face, Blot them out in boundless grace.
~Psalter 140 : 3, 4 (based on Psalm 51)

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